Tag: past
Unconquered Guilt by Jodie Lynne (1994)
UNCONQUERED GUILT
She wearily stumbles on past
Blinded as survival fogs her path.
Her broken soul aching to reach
Beyond this endless haze,
Desperate to free
What she can no longer see.
Burning with pain
Her aimless arms reaching,
Pulling together strength enough
For one last try.
Fear takes over, for at last
She has felt beyond her gaze,
Fallen into a piece of past.
Even as a small hand clings to her own
Ever so quickly fear becomes shame
As the soft little hand slips from her hold,
Letting smoke turn to roaring flame, and
Still, the shadowed room remains so cold.
As her worn body falls
With unexpected relief
She gives in to the memory
Lies down with the unconquered grief.
One last tear streaks her face
As a terrible blackness drags
Her broken soul to another time,
Another place. A woman-child,
An abusive man, three years dead
Who lives on in nightmares,
That dance through their heads
A little boy, his crying face,
Another time, another place.
Jodie Lynne, 1994
Middle Child (Jodie Lynne)
Middle child, where do you fit in?
You fought for my attention
but did you ever win?
You surely have it now
although painfully gained.
You capture me with crisis
then, I shake loose again.
Middle child, I know you well,
you speak to me of your dreams
your fears and your babies lost.
People judge you harshly
but once you lived beneath
my heartbeat…
so, together we pay the cost.
I can’t catch you when you fall
but I’ll bandage up your knees
just like when you were five
and asphalt tore through your jeans.
“Don’t run,” I’d holler out the door
as off to play you’d tear.
You never heeded my warnings
took on the world without a fear.
Twenty-two this month and still…
my warnings fly into the wind
blowing every which way
following you aimlessly around.
Perhaps you’d stop to listen
if you knew that my heart bleeds
each time your knees hit the ground.
My daughter, my middle child
I loved you when you didn’t know
when my hands were full with others
or when my feelings didn’t show.
We’ve had our ups and downs
but I’ll never let you go.
Middle child, where do you fit in?
My quintessence has a
special niche for you
tucked beneath my ribs
right where you’ve always been.
by Jeanne Marie, 1997
Take refuge under the Pink Tree~won’t you meet me?
If I could…
If I could live in the words I write, I’d write a story where my heart was never broken.
Not Beaten After All
This yellow hibiscus
has been rained on
and it has been beaten
senseless by the wind.
It has been bent
almost to the ground
and it fought storms
to stand back up again.
It stands proud and
yes, it stands tall.
It was shaken
and it was bruised
But not beaten after all.
For Jodie Lynne
I send these flowers by the way of God’s winds
No walls or bars could ever stop them from getting in…
Painting Your Life…
Paint Me Gone
I REMEMBER…I KNOW
I REMEMBER
Remember when you used to bring flowers home for me?
You would walk in the door after work with that sexy smile
Holding a dozen yellow and pink roses, for no reason at all.
Lunch box in your right hand, my flowers in your left
“Baby, Honey, Sweetie?” Names for me you would gently call.
I REMEMBER
Remember when we took a nap before dinner
Because we were too needing to wait for bedtime?
Sometimes all we did was giggle, snuggle and kiss
Sometimes the snuggling led to so much more
Loved your kisses, most of all, that’s what I miss.
I REMEMBER
Remember when we danced, how you held my body close?
So close my mama said it was indecent, your hands caressing
My back all the way down to my…well you know.
All my friends were jealous because with every move
With every touch, it was obvious you loved me so.
I KNOW
I know it is those memories that keep me trapped here
Because for years no loving touch have you been showing.
Years and years of silent and lonely days, dark and empty nights.
You buy me anything you think I want, when all I want is you.
Now, I cry myself to sleep, alone, after each mean and crazy fight.
I KNOW
I know we had something so intense, so strong
A love only one of us could have destroyed.
I know, dear God, I know, the exact moment it happened
Exactly when my handsome hero, my Marlboro Man,
Became a man who left me hanging over a black void.
I REMEMBER
Remember all the times I left our house, boxes in my hands?
Four times, with all I owned, swearing that this time was the last.
Remember how we both cried; remember how we felt so lost?
So home I came and tried again, to find your love, to find your heart.
Only one leaving left, so if you just sit and watch me hurting again…
I promise you my last.
Daddy’s Bottomless Black Pit
Daddy’s Bottomless Black Pit
Clean my face, wipe dripping tears of blood that come from deep within. Born black and blue and forced to pay for my daddy’s kin. He was raped and abused, treated like a piece of shit. Little baby girl born to that unhealed victim, I had no place to grow, to learn or to run. So, I lived beneath the ground cradled ungently, in my Daddy’s arms, no place I fit…except deep down inside my Daddy’s bottomless, black pit.
Angels Among Us…
“Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.” Alabama
Maggie Mae Packs For Florida…leaving her coats and sweaters behind…and her Mama.
Maggie Mae was an angel on the plane ride to Florida, even with a connecting flight on our agenda. We arrived home safe and she is settling in and getting accustomed to her new sister, Ms. Kita.
Ms. Kita is thrilled to have another Chihuahua to run with and is happily sharing her toys. Happy about sharing her Mommy and Daddy? Not so much.
Another Chance
A homeless man and I crossed paths today
As he looked hopefully into my eyes
I’m ashamed to say, I looked away.
His angry face, his dirty, tattered clothes
they frightened me, although for all I know
I scared him with my new car, fancy clothes.
Jesus said He is the beggar at our door
He lives among the homeless in the street.
All day I fretted at what I hadn’t done
said hello or shared money so he could eat.
I used to roll down my window at the stop light
and hold out dollars to the countless homeless
and it always felt like doing that was right.
I stopped giving freely a few years ago
after I brought food and blankets to a family
holding signs that said, “We are hungry.”
and they turned my offerings away.
“We can only accept cash,” they said.
so I stopped giving without noticing
to the homeless after that rueful day.
Have I become so cynical and
and is it a million dollar business
as I have read? Maybe. I just don’t know.
A poor excuse even even to my ears
that all should pay for one group of cons
and my habit of giving should flip to no
when I had given joyously for so many years.
This man deserved a smile and kind words
and brave soul that I am, I looked away.
Now, I drive the streets seeking his face
and if I see him, I will do right by him today.
The proof is in the pictures…
My pictures are a memory I can hold in my hand. My kids always said, “No more pictures Mom,” but I snapped away. As they have grown older, they too snap up every moment with their cell phones. I like to think that I taught them to capture moments. Today is slipping by fast, the hour glass never rests. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow…just a hope, but my pictures are forever and they will exist long after I’m gone. Every picture in this collection has a story. Collecting them for this post has inspired me to make each of my kids a scrapbook instead of leaving behind hundreds of discs. I thought the only thing that I would leave them was my writing. These pictures reminded me that my life has been full of joy and laughter, tears and traumas, but most of all love. That is what I shall leave them. Love. The proof is in the pictures.
Here is an article my son Rick, wrote for me about pictures. I love this.
https://womenwhothinktoomuch.wordpress.com/2013/08/24/jeanne-marie-tagged-a-photo-of-you-today-600-am-by-last-ditch-effort/
Post inspired by Michelle Marie.
As long as I have flowers…
There’s No Place Like Home…
Say Something…
The past looms ever present, but this moment is God’s present to me. I won’t ignore my present by holding yesterday’s regrets in front of my eyes. I cannot change the past, but today, the present is mine. I will create good memories. I will hold this moment. I will laugh and I will play. I will live today, love me today, appreciate the people who love me today. I will share my present today. Tomorrow, I might take it back. Jeanne Marie
http://youtu.be/B0nUwBBrJn8
http://youtu.be/r1rl7ajXp6I
Sometimes…
Sometimes I wish, I think, I could have lived my life
without the soul stretching exercise.
I could have been a dandelion floating on the wind
at the whim of every breeze.
I would have been happy blowing across the open fields
a dandelion puff scattered every which way
sacrificed for a wish by a child with a grin and scuffed knees.
No heart to be broken, no regrets to sleep on at night
just a hundred puffs floating this way and that.
Maybe a flower opening my petals for just one day
to bloom
to close
to leave
drifting on a whim as the wind carried me away.
I could have been a feather fallen from an angel’s wing
floating past your window
as under the covers you snuggled
asleep
eyes closed
not seeing me or any thing.
I would have sprinkled blessing dust
across your windowsill
as I whooshed by
so no person could ever scar you
or beat you blind with lies.
Sometimes I wish, I think,
I could have lived my life
without the soul stretching exercise.
by Jeanne Marie
I Will Love You…
http://youtu.be/LqQou0GPfiA
I Will Love You
for Jodie Lynne
Forever and ever
past this lifetime
to the moon
and back
I will love you.
Your heart and
my heart began
and continue
to beat as one.
So always
my daughter…
I will love you.
I can’t enjoy the sunshine
or the taste of coffee
when you are locked away.
I can’t breathe
when you are not free.
I hope I have shown you
how much I love you
in these past months
of your sobriety…
How much it
meant because
we were together
laughing and playing
buying clothes,
drinking Starbucks
driving to Walmart
you in your
silly pajamas
me with my silly hair.
Normal things
mothers and
daughters do…
So precious
to us because
every second,
we knew…
Our time had
been borrowed.
I will love you
Forever and ever
past this lifetime
to the moon
and back
I will love you.
I will love you.
Jeanne Marie, 2014
The Past…Someday
Old low burning flames
memories under the bed
like pieces of an old game
at night, fast asleep
they blister inside your head.
Upon waking, you weep.
pictures of a love lost
broken glass
beneath your feet.
Regrets flash by
on your mind screen
you still pay the cost
but you’re stuck in now
lost…forever it seems.
How can that old love
still make you cry?
Was it a nightmare
or was it a dream?
Is the past ever gone
is it ever wiped clean?
Wake up, clear your mind
push old passions away
get on with your life
because today will be
the past…someday.
by Jeanne Marie
Oh The Games…
Old pain
starts infringing.
Old scars
still are singeing.
A new life
starts unhinging.
New tears
for an old day.
No mercy
comes our way.
Oh the games
our minds play.
Change Is Forever Constant by Jodie Lynne
The woman I am, shall not be the woman I will be or the woman I once was.
The morning always brings another beginning, thank God.
And I, always becoming, am not allowed to go back to the once was… that woman is no longer there.
Older. Wiser. I have learned to live and let live.
I, after years, have acquired perspective which lends me sanity, sanity where once there was none.
The pains that once overwhelmed and undermined the nurturing, developing woman that I was, helped to shape the woman that I am now becoming.
If only mastering and accepting these lessons, if only I could blindly trust, there is a gift, the gift of change that accompanies each pain.
I am becoming and with becoming comes peace. I can see and sense this for I know where I was yesterday.
by Jodie Lynne
I’m still PINK Michelle Marie
Hope…
Women Who Think Too Much by Jeanne Marie 
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