Women Who Think Too Much, 1996

1996

The Future Is Not Set…

The Future is Not Set…

Women Who Think Too Much, 1997

Women Who Think Too Much

If Love Hurts…

If Love Hurts

Thank you, SPAM! I love you! 2020

SPAM seems to be trending as an affordable food during tough times, and also as a favorite choice for security and comfort during the Pandemic.
The much loved meat is being sold on web sites for crazy prices lately, and in Hawaii, it is being locked up to prevent theft.
I love SPAM, and it was my mum’s favorite breakfast. I was pleasantly surprised to read how simply it’s made. There is even a SPAM museum and gift store.
Check out the links under my picture.

SPAM Six simple ingredients.

SPAM Museum

SPAM Home

SPAM GIFT STORE

SPAM Heists! Really!

SPAM Prices Rise

Just the three of us

Just the three of us

You don’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

You don’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

The Last Smoker, 2030

 

This is a dystopian horror story I wrote 20 years ago.  With few changes from the original, I dedicate it to my mum, Grace Christine. (1926-2009)
She was my first and my most important fan. I love you, Mum.
I was saving this one for someday, but seems like someday is today.

The Last Smoker, 2030

As she gazes around at the white padded walls, the toilet and the sink in one corner, the thin mattress she sits on in the opposite corner, Angel sighs.
She doesn’t have any personal belongings in her cell. No books, no pictures, no clothes.
The itchy, green government issued blanket on her mattress is her only possession. Some things never change; the blanket is proof enough. So, how had the world around her changed so drastically?
The guard who has been watching her through the small window opens the cell door and Angel stands up. She knows the routine. She places her hands in front of her and the guard snaps the handcuffs on her wrists.
Angel just wants to be left alone. She dreads the time each day when she is handcuffed and marched out to the shower room.
The armed, female guard stands surveillance while Angel limps over to the washing chair. Before Angel sits down, mechanical hands reach from the ceiling and gently draw Angel’s soiled gown over her head.
As she reclines against the cold black metal, she is reminded of a time when beauty was important to women, a time when women’s hair was styled, not shaved. Angel closes her eyes as the machines do their work.
Powerless over the present, she chooses to imagine that once again she is a young girl innocently playing in the bathtub with Mr. Bubbles and Barbie.
The memory is so intense that she can almost smell the aroma of Mama’s oatmeal cookies baking in the oven.
Meanwhile, the impersonal hands carefully lather her body with a disinfectant soap and then chilly water pours down over her body. As a final humiliation, the blower goes back and forth across her limbs until she is dry. The chair inclines until she is sitting. A clean, white gown slit up both sides is dropped over her shaved head and the metal hands snap it shut at each side.
Angel is marched back to her cell and as the door shuts behind her, she sinks down on the mattress with nothing left to do but think.
Once, as she was being returned to her cell, she had asked the teenage guard, “Do you remember bathtubs? How about coffee?”
She’d received only a puzzled look in return. The guards were forbidden to speak to her, and she knew that.
She might contaminate their minds with her insanity. However, Angel knew that they couldn’t close their ears, even if they could keep their mouths shut.
Most of the guards didn’t look at her or acknowledge her words with so much as a flutter of emotion, but the guard that day had appeared sympathetic, almost caring.
Of course, the security system would’ve picked up the softness response and the girl would’ve been dismissed from her job immediately. Barred from government jobs, she would have been sent to work outside with the food growers.
A fate worse than death.
With the ozone layer in shreds, the sun would eat the flesh from her bones within two months.
Workers who dropped in the fields were left to rot. They would be plowed under when the ground was prepared for a new planting.
The new strains of vegetables were hybrid, created to survive on human compost. It did not take a serious crime to be sent outside.
The world’s population was hungry.
Angel’s body wasn’t fit for the fields because she was filth, beyond recycling.
She hadn’t been fed since being taken captive three days ago.
She is a smoker. The last known smoker on the planet.
When they cremate her body tomorrow morning, the last in a generation of smokers will be gone, exterminated.
She knew she’d have been dead the instant they’d captured her, but the warden had informed her that leaders from every country were gathering in Denver, the world capital.
Her execution would be a live, televised ceremony, the final victory in The War on Smokers.
She would be burned at the stake, a fitting enough death for a smoker.
She had outwitted and escaped them for over five years. During that time, she has managed to dig up and smoke almost every carton she had hidden.
The right to smoke had been lost so slowly that by the time the smokers had taken a stand against the government in 2022; it had been too late.
First, had come the outlawing of smoking in public buildings, on public transportation and in the workplace. Outrageous taxes on tobacco had crippled the tobacco industry. Damages from the victorious lawsuits against the tobacco companies drained billions of dollars.
Entire towns began to outlaw smoking, even in private homes.
Bars had become nonsmoking in the United States when the Choke Law was passed in 2023.
By the year 2024, a pack of cigarettes cost over a hundred dollars and you had to be a registered smoker to buy them.
Quit Now centers were set up nationwide in the year 2025. Tobacco product sales were outlawed soon after and registered smokers ordered to report for mandatory treatment.
Smokers were by the very nature of their disease, rebellious and defiant. Government agents hunted down the smokers who refused to comply and forced them into treatment centers.
In the beginning, treatments followed standard humane procedures; nicotine patches, therapy, and twelve-step programs.
When smokers went out and failed to stay smoke-free, (in the early years, most smokers had small caches of cigarettes) the second visit proved much harder to survive.
Second time offenders were subjected to ice water therapy, shock treatments, food and sleep deprivation and chemical brainwashing.
These procedures were reinforced by massive doses of the new wonder drug, Quit.
Quit caused infertility and induced bizarre hallucinations, but it had been successful in the treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction, diseases no longer tolerated.
Fact was, by 2025, the only addicts left were the smokers.
A month after opening, the CDC run centers were offered monetary incentives from Congress for each success and that’s when the treatments became incredibly cruel, with the government’s blessing.
Rumors of fingers being chopped off, tongues cut out, lobotomies and castrations began to circulate the streets, but nonsmokers refused to believe the wild reports, often turning in their own family members for smoking.
Mutilated ex-smokers were sent to the government run insane asylums where they became test subjects for the control viruses and vaccines, infected over and over until they died. Proof of the abuse was almost nonexistent.
Angel only knew about the asylums because her exemplary behavior and her knowledge of computers had allowed her to work at the privileged position of Data Entry while she was in treatment.
She had seen the death certificates for thousands of fellow smokers.
The videos in the file were horrifying.
Not that anyone who didn’t smoke would care.
Smokers deserved anything that happened to them…they were so vile, so disgusting.
Families of the victims were notified that their relatives had failed treatment and had been permanently confined to prevent the further contamination of society.
Most families were glad to be rid of the dangerous member, and those who were concerned, wisely kept it to themselves.
How could anyone fight the government?
Angel had seen the warning signs for smokers as early as the year 2020, and for once, trusting her instincts, she had cashed in her 401K plan and spent the entire amount on Marlboro reds and supplies. She’d sealed individual cartons and matches in plastic bags and for years, she has spent her weekends hiding them in various locations.
She stashed hundreds of the packages in the mountains of New Hampshire, and when she had received the order to report for treatment in 2025, she’d been prepared.
She’d signed in at the Boston Quit Center and she had been a model patient, often held up as an example to the others. As soon as she’d been released and off probation, she had left her job, her home, and her family to go into hiding.
She’d been busy for the last five years, and small caves in the White Mountains had already been stocked with reds, guns, ammunition, bottled water, canned food, books, and warm clothing.
The day she disappeared; it was twenty years to the day since she’d smoked her first cigarette. Although she’d known that smoking was becoming socially unacceptable, she’d never dreamed back then that her right to smoke would end.
She was as guilty as any smoker of just ignoring the growing furor.
She hadn’t even voted for the past twenty years.
Of course, she’d been outraged when the government had claimed a third of her paycheck.
Half. Eighty percent.
Of course, she’d hated watching the price of cigarettes climb.
What had she done when there was still time to fight? Nothing, just like everybody else.
The government’s greatest weapon had been its citizen’s apathy.
The Black Hole Event had also helped to create utter chaos. When the personal computers had crashed in the year 2000, the government had already reached a solution to the date change dilemma.
However, they kept that information classified, and when Bill Gates had turned up dead, murdered execution style in his own bed, and Steve Jobs went missing, Angel had believed that the end of home PC use was forthcoming.
Sure enough, for the last ten years, it had been illegal to own a tablet, smart phone, or PC unless you had Level One Security Clearance.
The only people who received L-One clearance were purebred Caucasian males who had never been treated for addictions.
With the True Race Party in control of Congress, women had even had their voting privileges revoked, and once again, they became the property of their fathers and their husbands. Abusing women and children was socially acceptable.
Hundreds of steps forward in the last decades of the 19th century and thousands of steps back since the year 2000.
Angel sighs and turns her face toward the wall. Tears slide from her eyes as she thinks of days gone by and the freedoms that were gone.
“I won’t let the security cameras see me cry. I won’t.”
Her stomach is a tight knot of hunger-pain, and her leg throbs where the electric stun gun had burned into her flesh on the day she had been captured.
Her need to see, to touch Lizbeth’s face just once more, that had been her downfall.
How could she have known as she crawled through her daughter’s open basement window that security cameras were installed throughout the entire house?
Lizbeth had stood silently in the upstairs hallway, looking down helplessly at Angel. They both knew that one kind word, one touch, would doom Lizbeth and her family. The alarm had sealed the outside doors and bars had crashed down over the windows.
Within minutes, a team of TRP agents had been at the front door. Angel’s survival instincts had forced her to run, even in the face of hopelessness. That was when they had taken her down with the stun gun.
Lizbeth had turned and walked back into her bedroom, softly shutting the door, as the soldiers had dragged Angel away.
Angel had offered up her freedom in vain.
She could only imagine the trauma her daughter had suffered at watching her capture and how badly she would continue to suffer as she watched her mother burn tomorrow.
The hardest part for Lizbeth would be to pretend that she did not care. She would be forced to watch and just one tear would brand her an enemy of the State.
Angel wasn’t sure why she had refused to comply, why she had fought the entire world to remain a smoker. Something deep inside her soul had rebelled when her rights were removed, one by one.
A relentless drive to smoke despite the cost, to preserve one last freedom in the face of oppression, these things had driven her, fueled her anger.
It wasn’t just about smoking; she knew that now. It was about every right that had been stripped from society, every loss, every humiliation.
Since 2022, marriages and pregnancy had to be approved by the State and interracial couplings were forbidden. The only people allowed to reproduce now in the United States were pureblooded Caucasians.
Men and women who didn’t qualify for birth rights were forced to submit to sterilization.
The worldwide shortages of unpolluted water had stolen the privilege of bubble baths, eventually forcing the outlawing of bathtubs. The Red Tide had claimed the seafood, medical waste pollution had precipitated the beaches becoming off-limits, and the right to eat red meat had been lost to Mad Cow Disease.
The production of toys had halted in 2020 when factories that produced items not necessary for survival were no longer allowed to remain open. The government had confiscated all toys not yet sold and now when a little girl or boy were born, they were issued one toy. A small, adorable, furry electronic toy.
Angel had bought three of the cursed Furbies for her kids when they came out during the 1998 Christmas season and now, she regretted those purchases with all her might.
The toys had turned out to be adorable, little weapons. They had evolved through the years, and were now equipped with extremely, advanced computers. They were used to infiltrate politician’s and private citizen’s homes, transmitting the information that was recorded back to a central computer located at the True Race Party headquarters. TRP had been in the background, controlling the government long before they rose to public power.
Millions of citizens had voluntarily turned in their guns and the government had seized the rest with warrants. Sure, thousands had fought back, but it had been too late.
The losses had been heavy, the TRP’s control over individual lives was overwhelming, thanks to technology and surveillance.
Now, for Angel, the battle was over.
Silent sobs shook her body as she lay awaiting the dawn, awaiting her execution.
Suddenly, she realized that she still had one more chance to fight.
She wasn’t dead yet! She could humiliate the government one last time and save Lizbeth and her family the torture of watching her burn.
She did not so much as glance up at the security cameras. Angel dragged the rough, green blanket over her shoulders and curling up, she began to breathe as if she were sleeping.
She lay that way for a long time, waiting.
Finally, hidden by the blanket, she brought her wrist up to her mouth and savagely tore open a vein. As the salty blood rushed into her mouth, she smiled.
She lay her wounded arm back down beside her under the blanket, and she covertly wiped the blood from her mouth.
She wondered what propaganda the government would issue to explain the cancellation of the live, televised execution.
As her body grew weak, she forced her mind to drift back to better days.
She would die in her own world, not in their world, a cold, desolate world, a world ruled by prejudice, apathy, hate and fear.
She let her mind wander back to the days when she played and splashed in a bathtub full of warm soapy water, Barbie smiling at her from her seat on the edge of the tub.
As Angel drew her last breath, she could almost smell the aroma of Mama’s oatmeal cookies baking in the oven.

To My Children

Picture 1979

To My Children
When my body leaves this earth
and you think that I am gone
go out and touch the rain
and you will know that I live on.
Throw your hands into the drops
and splash the rain on your face
that will be my hugs and kisses
blessing you all over your space.
When my body leaves this earth
rainbows will reflect my smile
coloring the sky for you
for just a magical while.
When my body leaves this earth
and you think that I am gone…
I will be the pink in the sunsets
I will be the puffs dancing in the clouds
I will be the dew that kisses your flowers
I will be the orange butterfly by your side
I will be the tiny bird who sings
outside your kitchen window
because my love will never leave you.
My love will live forever in you…
on and on and on…
Just be still and you will find
my love in all the things I loved
when my body leaves this earth
and you think that I am gone.

Believe In Tomorrow…

Tomorrow…

The Affair

I went for a walk tonight and I knew.
I knew I should have stayed away from that place, our place, but I was drawn back by an invisible, physiological tug.
I was aching for you, longing to touch you.
The passion, the thrill, the afterglow. I wanted it all, just once more.
Of course, that’s a lie because once has never been enough.
When we meet, we do it, over and over again and that’s what I really want.
As I walked around the corner, you were there. Just waiting for me. All I had to do was ask, hold out my hand and be willing to pay the price.
I wanted to take you home with me for the night, just one night, so that’s what I did.
It’s been four days and we have been together many times. We show no signs of stopping.
We’re about to go at it again in a minute, just as soon as I catch my breath.
I can’t lie anymore.
I know we’re going to do it again. And again.
It’s been bitter, and it’s been rough, but I need your hot smoky haze, so I just don’t care.
Slow and easy, fast and hard and everything in-between, touching you makes me forget all my pain, for just a little while.
When I’m tasting you, touching you, holding you, nothing else matters to me.
We do it, over and over and over because even a thousand times could never be enough.
Despite the odds, my fears and my past failures, I promise myself…tomorrow I will try to let you go again.
I’ll live a quiet life, lonely, longing, remembering the good times.
I’ll forget the emotional security I felt when I touched you and I’ll forget the extreme danger that thrilled me. I’ll turn away from life on the Wild Side.
But how do I give you up my best friend? How can I allow the love of my life to just fade away, especially knowing that we could meet down at the corner, anytime I want you?
Not a thousand miles away, no just down the street, waiting for the touch of my fingers and the warmth of my lips.
Burning for your touch, begging you to ignite the fire, so empty without you in my hands, in my bed, in my mouth.
Pretending I don’t miss you and pretending I can give you up when I don’t even want to stop.
Every nerve in my body is screaming for you, forcing me to walk back down to the corner.
I think that lust is the most dangerous passion of all. My entire body yearns for you, the very scent of you gets me tingling, shaking, hot and sweaty.
As I remember the taste of you in my mouth, the anticipation triggers the need and I race to you, running, crying and shaking.
How do I let you go when I love you still? Even though all you do is hurt me, I still want you every minute of every day.
I swore never again, never again and here I am once more, sneaking around with you.
I go home and try to wash your musky scent from my mouth, scrub you off my skin.
Damn you, Marlboros, you’ll be the death of me yet.

If Only, If Only…A Bunch of Baloney

She is speeding, forcing her car to race through blinding sheets of rain, all the while knowing that she can’t possibly get there in time. Refusing to accept defeat, she recklessly accelerates. The rain is falling so hard that her wipers are useless except for the rhythm they slap out as they snap back and forth.
Her mind isn’t on the highway ahead of her. It’s on her daughter and the cell phone beside her. She has it set on speaker phone.
“I’ll be there soon, just don’t answer the door,” she says.
“I won’t Mum, please hurry. I’m so scared.”
“Are the police still there?”
Through the tiny speaker she hears the insistent banging on her daughter’s door and that’s her answer. Frustration and panic roar through her veins as she stomps harder on the gas pedal instead of slowing down.
Her car swerves all over the road as she passes a dozen vehicles that have pulled over to wait out the downpour.
She glances in her rear-view mirror and sees the red and blue flashing lights flying up behind her through the wall of water.
“No, no,” she cries. “Not now, please God, not now.”
The cruiser zooms up beside her, edging her over to the side of the road, trying to get her to stop. He is so close now that she can see his face, read his lips, “Pull over, pull over!”
With a sudden motion spawned by her lifelong enemy, “I’ll save ya” panic, (no thinking required) she shoves the gas pedal to the floor and surges ahead of the cop. She keeps track of him in the rear-view mirror. “Damn it, he isn’t giving up.”
Her exit is just ahead, and she doesn’t dare slow down. As she flies around the sharp curve on two wheels, the steering wheel grows a mind of its own and it is violently wrenched from her hands. The tires scream as she loses control.
Right until the millisecond when her car goes flying over the guardrail, she still thinks that she will save the day; she still has hope that somehow, she can make this come out right.
As the car plunges to the concrete below she realizes that she is wrong. Dead wrong. Her last bit of confidence dies as the car hurtles toward the unforgiving concrete surface.
With so little time left to breathe before she hits the cement, her mind fills with him. He is all that matters now, too late, too late, she knows. How many times has she hurt him by trying to save her kids from themselves, how many grandbabies has she brought home and failed to rescue?
His heart will be broken; but he’ll be relieved too because her war, the war he is always drawn into, the war he claims no part of although he ignited it, her war will finally be over.
His face, his arms, his warm body against her every night for twenty-seven years, the pain he’ll feel when he sees her broken and twisted body, this is all she can see in her mind’s eye as the car plummets.
This is her last battle and she has lost. This is it and there is no way out.
She senses rather than sees the cruiser plunging to the ground behind her. The cop has made the same error in judgment that she has, attacking a wet curve at high speed. Each of them trying to save the day, each with their own agenda.
Her car explodes on impact.
Excruciating, flaming hot pain and then she’s floating above the fiery mess on the ground. She knows she must be dead, but all she wants is to go home, run home to him.
The young cop is floating above his mangled cruiser, shaking his head in disbelief. He glares in her direction. Guilt floods her so hard that she can’t look at him, so she turns away. She closes her eyes and thinks of home.
As soon as she visualizes it, she’s in front of her house. She sees her sunflowers standing proud beside the porch, the Rose of Sharon covered in purple blossoms as it reaches for the sky behind the sunflowers. She wonders if she can go inside and if she can still touch things. She grasps the doorknob and it turns. As she pauses in the doorway, she smiles down at the hand that still works. Stupid movies. They always show the dead person’s hands going through walls and passing through anything they try to touch. Guess the directors never interviewed a real live dead person.
Dinner is on the counter, all ready to go in the pre-heated oven. Stuffed cabbage, his favorite.
She had just finished preparing it when the call came. If only she hadn’t answered the damn phone. She hears her mama’s words in her head, “If only, if only…a bunch of baloney.”
She lifts the pan full of cabbage rolls and to her delight, she can place the pan in the oven, and she turns on the timer.
She sets the table and then she walks out to the garage. She wants to watch him as he works on his racecar. She loves that little boy on Christmas morning expression he gets on his face when his hands are buried in the engine.
He isn’t there. He should be there.
“Where could he have gone?” She asks the empty garage. No answer of course, she might be dead, but she’s not crazy.
She walks back to her cozy little kitchen and plops down in her favorite chair, the rocking chair Mama had bought her when her first baby was born.
She doesn’t even know if he’ll be able to see her when he comes home. She closes her eyes and when she opens them, he is walking into the house with his head hanging down.
He pauses in the doorway for a moment and then he slowly looks up. Stares around at the kitchen, not understanding the aroma of stuffed cabbage as it simmers in the oven and then he sees her sitting there.
Time stops as he rushes toward her, cradling her in his arms like so many times before. Sobbing, he buries his face in her hair, inhales the scent of her and then he holds his breath, terrified that if he exhales, she will disappear.
She sees the horrifying images he has just seen because they are still flashing through his mind as he holds her to his chest. High def at its boldest, the blood so vibrant, the devastation so real.
He holds her tightly, not sure if she is real, but unwilling to let her go just in case his touch is all that ties her to his life.
She feels his grief, she sees her body scattered across the road, her head on one side and her legs on the other.
She sees the tangled, bloody mess that just minutes ago was the young cop. His wife driving home from church and passing the wreck. Slowing down as she approaches the flashing lights. She knows it has already happened, but still she moans, “Oh God, don’t let her stop, don’t let her stop.” But the wife does stop.
The wife screams in anguish when she sees her husband’s patrol car, number 2730 still visible on the twisted metal and she screams even louder when she sees his body entangled with what’s left of his cruiser. She sees it all before another cop pulls her away.
The grief-stricken wife wails, “What happened, what happened?”
Her husband’s commander is there. He manages to tug her over to his cruiser and he gently guides her as she collapses on the passenger seat.
With the car door open, he kneels on the wet, muddy grass in front of her.
“A grandmother racing to save her baby grandson from DHS,” he explains. “They were taking the baby away because the mom is a drunk.”
The cop’s wife always feared for her husband’s life when he left the house to go to work, but she’d always thought a drugged-out teenager’s bullet would take him from her and she had never dreamed that his cruiser would be his casket. She’d never dreamed that a good woman, a mother, a panicked grandmother with what she felt was a just cause, would kill her childhood sweetheart while she sat in church with her babies on a rainy Sunday morning.
The accident scene fades away and the kitchen begins to blur although she can still smell the simmering stuffed cabbage and she can still feel his arms holding her tight. She can still feel his tears burning her as they stream through her hair and down on her face.
She wants to tell him how sorry she is, how she would undo it all if she could.
“I’m so sorry,” she begins. “It was always you, only you.”
Somehow, she knows that it doesn’t matter anymore. Sorry won’t fix this mess.
Still she keeps whispering the words over and over. “I’m so sorry; it was always you, only you.”
She panics when she realizes that she is no longer in the kitchen, she no longer feels his arms around her, or his wet face buried in her hair.
The worst of it all is the sick gut-wrenching knowledge that she didn’t have to run out and drive like a maniac through the rain.
She closes her eyes.
Mama had been right. “If only, if only…a bunch of baloney.”

Twenty-Five Years (2005)

Twenty-five years she has spent waiting.
Will he love her tonight?
Waiting for him to shut off the TV,
Put the football to bed.
Dance her around the kitchen,
Arms around her so tight.
But it’s late when the game is over,
and all she gets is a quick kiss with his,
“I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
Twenty-five years she can’t erase.
In the mirror she sees old pain in her eyes
Remnants of twenty-five years of fights.
Wrinkles dust her once smooth face.
Wrinkles she did not see yesterday
The wrinkles a present of time
Now permanently in place.
Her dreams will never
One magical day come true
Because she wasted her youth
Longing for love from you.
Wrinkles tell her that one day at a time
She threw twenty-five years away
She has waited far too long
To find her happy ever-after someday.
No strong arms will hold her,
No lover will whisper in her ear
No lover’s voice gentle in the night.
She’s old, she’s tired and hair is fast turning gray
Her kids are all gone, even her baby has his own
And another baby on the way.
It finally hits her. Yes. She is alone.
Because she chose to continue to fight
Change her life, stand on her own.
When she was blooming she never knew
The sweet soft skin, the silky auburn hair
It would not, it could not last.
The ending has been written and
The characters have all been cast.

Empty Rooms

tortured soul
crying
weeping
lie down
to sleep.
bruised
purple
bleeding
seeping
from
my soul
no keeping.
white light
blinding
in the
empty rooms.
the wind
screams
your name
screaming
shrieking
beneath
a full moon.
can’t stop
brain
from
leaking
until
I go
insane.

The War Zone

Just did my first shopping in about a month. I do it for one month at a time and OMG, the Beast was out. The ugly-ugly was awake at Walmart, dancing at Walgreens and flying up and down the parking lots.
I read that you should have two weeks of food in case you are quarantined. I had an empty fridge, so I needed to shop anyway.
Everything that I would’ve liked to buy for virus prep was out of stock, except toilet paper. I have to say, I always buy toilet paper, virus or not. Just like I wash my hands, virus or not.
Anyway, God love Walmart. They were loaded up with toilet paper. People were grabbing it as quick as it was put it out, but they did have toilet paper. I didn’t hear that diarrhea was a symptom of the virus, but maybe people know something that I don’t.
Not sure why there is a negative effect on the stock market, maybe because people are spending their life savings on toilet paper.
Water, nope. Bleach wipes, nope. Hand sanitizer, nope. Vitamin C, nope.
(I believe in Vitamin C. I’m not alone because it was gone from three stores.)
Original Spam, nope. However, I did score two cans of Spam with Bacon.
Peanut butter, yes. Jelly, yes.
I did my normal shopping and I refused to panic, but I did buy cough syrup.
I don’t plan on running out to Walmart to look for anything else.
There was a ton of people in Walmart coughing and choking. They were wearing masks, but still, I didn’t feel particularly safe. Actually, I never feel particularly safe in Walmart.
I will say I was very polite amidst the chaos, until I was trying to leave the store and when I got out to the parking lot. My daughter would have been so proud of me, for a while.
The employee at Walmart’s exit spent five minutes scanning my items and checking my receipt as the line to get out the door grew. I asked her if she thought I had a $196.00 receipt and needed to steal something, so she cut my interrogation short.
Then, I pulled out of my handicap parking space, and there was only one direction I could go in, with a car behind me trying to take my space before I vacated it, and of course, the arrow on the road was pointing the opposite way.
One gentleman was honking and honking his horn to make sure that I knew I was going the wrong way, and he also tried to block my way. I rolled down my window and, he yelled, “You’re going the wrong way.”
Remembering the movie, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, I asked him how he knew which way I was going!
He snarled and threw his hands up in the air and that’s when I knew he wasn’t a John Candy fan.
So, I said, “Sorry, it was the only direction I could pull out, without backing out of the entire Walmart parking lot with cars behind me and I don’t think that would have worked.”
He said, “That is your problem,” and I said, “Guess what? It’s your problem now!”
And it was his problem because people were yelling at him for blocking my way.
I really don’t understand the problem to begin with, because although the arrows suggest a direction, there was plenty of room for two cars in the lane and he just was being ugly.
I have had to let people go by me the wrong way a hundred times. (Or else they were letting me by. LOL) Corvette Red, not faded white, would be a better color for those arrows.
Cashiers at Walmart were wearing masks and gloves. I think they should have been doing that all along. Have you seen who shops at Walmart? Oh yeah, I shop at Walmart. Oh well, you can’t beat the prices.
The people at the Dollar Tree were calm and polite, customers and cashiers, and it proves my theory that the less money we have, the nicer we are to each other.
The cashier at Walgreen’s had a face mask and gloves, and looked scared, so I’m guessing this is going to be the New Normal.
Anyway, I’m home after three hours of shopping; although, I feel like I’m living in a dystopian novel and I just visited the War Zone.
May God help us all and save us from ourselves.

Volcano, 2013

We play, we laugh, we dance and we sleep
Poised on the volcano called our life together.
Pretending the molten lava is contained
Playing, laughing, dancing and sleeping.
Walking on broken bridges
Dancing over raging, red rivers
Ignoring hot, peeling blisters,
Smelling burnt flesh and grilled soul.
I love you, goodnight, I say.
I love you, goodnight, you say.
Closed eyes, throbbing hearts
Accepting lies as our truths.
Never knowing what the dawn may deliver
Perhaps a violent interruption as we sleep
Crying, shouting, poking unhealed wounds.
Salty tears drip onto the raw eruptions
As we dream on and on and on…
Snuggled together while miles apart
Atop the volcano called our life together.
I love you, good morning, I say.
I love you, good morning, you say.

Found, Not Lost

I slipped into living in the moment Saturday morning. I didn’t plan it and that’s how it happens best.
I bought flowers on Thursday afternoon. On Friday, it was freezing and windy, so I had to leave creating a patio garden around my little trailer for another day.
I picked a bouquet from the hibiscus and the roses, and I spent all day Friday taking pictures.
Saturday morning, when I woke, it was still cold. I peeked outside and I could feel the sun on my face, so I pulled on a warm shirt and long pants and I went outside with my coffee.
Then, I played with the flowers.
As I trimmed and repotted the plants, I fell into my old familiar rhythm.
I started gardening with my mum when I was a toddler and she generously passed on her green thumb to me and to my two sisters.
I didn’t save any gardening tools when I downsized to the trailer because I promised myself that I would never buy and fill up another house and yard only to leave them when I moved. (I have left over fifteen houses and fifteen gardens behind in my travels.)
I thought I could simply stop growing plants and flowers, but my longing for a garden said no.
Then, I remembered driving from New Hampshire to Oklahoma with a dozen plants in the back of my pickup truck. They not only survived; they had a growth spurt during the three-day trip.
The idea for a traveling, patio garden was born.
I bought three unique hibiscus plants, aloe, two stunning rose bushes, tulips, a philodendron, cyclamen and two plants just because they were pink. No, I don’t know their names. They waved hello to me and I scooped them up.
I also bought Jungle Growth soil, Black Cow manure, Miracle Grow plant food, organic bug spray, flowerpots, and gardening shears.
I didn’t think about a trowel; but I found out that with potted plants, a fork loosens the soil nicely.
Later, as I was cleaning the mess I had made, I realized that I had been totally in the moment, lost in what I was doing for over three hours.
I felt so relaxed and so happy. The euphoria lasted the rest of the day and I realized that I didn’t lose myself in the plants, I found myself.
Working with soil and nurturing flowers is as integral to who I am as writing and I pray that I never forget that again.

You Are The Magnet

every single strand
of my being
strains toward you
you are the magnet
I’m the metal
it’s nothing that I choose.
your words whisper to me
come mere baby
in the shadows of the night
our first kiss lingers
only to be haunted by
our last kiss, our last fight.

 

Valentine’s Day, Codependent Love



Flesh and Bones

Her hands make love to his shoulders
Caress the tension from his neck
Fingers entwined in his soft curls
Her face buried in silver and brown strands.
Inhaling the heady scent that is him
She allows her tightness to slip away
Falling, falling into a dark warm mist
A vapor of safety created by his love.
Absence of pain, regret, loss or sorrow
Blankets of tenderness and devotion
Washed worn by life’s bleaching storms
More precious than diamonds and gold.
His devotion surrounds her flesh and her bones.
Thus, sleep is a cocoon which shelters her
Pillows of passions released time after time
Cradle the woman and her fragile dreams
Rocking her to sleep in his gently flowing river
Drifting on billows of unconditional love.
Floating to euphoria, wrapped around his back
She wonders, how is it possible that her love
Could increase beyond description, young and free
When time has removed the freedoms of flesh and bone?
She loves him beyond explanation, a rare dilemma
For a woman who was born to dance with words.
She loves, she loves and as his love enfolds her, she is sheltered.
She sleeps and she is secure because he is there beside her.

Your Love Is Raw
I thought my love was true…so why do I always fantasize
about leaving us behind, running away from me loving you?
Your love is raw, it is bloody, it is deep.
Your warm, obsessive blanket covers my eyes, my empty girly head,
shielding me, protecting me at night, yet not heavy enough to let me sleep.
Lying wide-eyed in our king-size bed, the buried fights numb my head.
Your love, my shroud, my bad, my dead.
You call me to your side each night, honey, come to sleep.
Not unlike a small child, I run to you and snuggle under my pink blanket
on my corner of the mattress awake in the dark long after you snore.
Into the dawn I weep, tears leaving their dirty marks.
The weight of your need to possess me and my need for you cements my life.
It this all I’ll ever feel, is this all I’ll ever be, your woman, your girl, your wife?
Your need is soft, it is strong, it is rough, it is binding, it is smothering, it is fluff.
Your need has taken over my life which doesn’t even make any sense.
Becoming nothing, wanting something, I sit and scour my mind, trying to find myself.
Can I take care of me, this woman, this girl who will not speak?
Standing on the outside, looking through the tinted glass of our storm door.
I don’t want to come inside. Oh yes, I am sure.
Am I running from us because of our today or am I running from our pain-filled past?
I don’t know anymore.
No place left to hide.
Your love surrounds me, it saves me, until it drowns me.
Your love is raw, it is bloody, it is deep.

I Love You
I love you does not mean that I will accept
your unacceptable behavior.
I love you does not mean that I will allow
you to hurt me emotionally whenever you choose.
I love you does not mean that I will let
you crush my spirit and wound my soul.
I love you does not mean that I will let you tell me
who I am or control my decisions.
I love you does not mean that I will allow you to hurt people I love.
I love you does not mean that I will not walk away from you,
if you do those things.
I have learned through God’s grace, that I can live without you,
but I cannot live without me.

Pink Petals

Pink petals
pouring down
her body like rain.
Pink petals heal her
soul, washing away the
grime and bloody stains.

Broken

Broken a thousand times and each time
God glues the pieces back together.
Each experience creates a different person.
Sometimes a better person
sometimes just a person
filled with nicks and cracks and rough edges.
Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll even heal.
I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t want to be broken over and over again.
I don’t want to be shattered.
I want to be whole.
I have learned to live with the cracks,
but there comes a time
when you just can’t allow
yourself to be broken again.
Lord, let this be my last time broken.

When Angels Whisper (2)

Pick her up. I’m done and I mean it.

NO! No, we can’t give up on her yet! We have never given up on anyone. She’ll be the first and I hope you ran this by Him because He doesn’t give up on anyone. Let me try. Please. Don’t give up on her. That will turn out bad.

You’re not in charge. I am. And you? You’re still in training.

You have nothing to lose. You’re facing your first failure. Why not let me try?

What can you do that I haven’t already done? This woman slides back down every time she climbs up. If she could have learned her lesson, she would have learned by now and I believe she is hopeless. Her fear wins, over and over and over. She has me suicidal and I’m an angel.

This woman could earn me my wings and save you from your first surrender.
Besides, He said no one is so far down that He can’t reach them, and He expects us to feel the same way, to conduct ourselves to reflect His truth. You’re exhausted. Don’t make a fatal decision out of frustration. Let me try. I hate to think where you’ll be assigned if you give up.

I suppose you’re right. I’m so tired and my wings are feeling heavy. I’ll give you one chance, but if she doesn’t show improvement, I’m done, and my last assignment will be to send you back to start your training all over again.

Deal! You won’t regret this, I promise. Want to brush wings?

Don’t push your luck.

When Angels Whisper (1)
When Angels Whisper…

Your Love


Your love smothers me
Your love covers me
Shivers me to the bone.
Your love absorbs me
Your love confuses me
Until I beg to be left alone.

Hollow


There are no coherent words inside my head
Only jumbled thoughts I cannot understand
Feelings have been frozen and numbness reigns
No decisions can be made
No ideas brought to life
Just a hollow empty space
Where emotions used to live.

I Miss You, Baby Girl

 

I have parted with many material things this past year, but one loss stands up and shouts in my heart right now.
I miss my little chihuahua, Ms. Skeeter. This was my first Christmas without her since I rescued her in 2007.
I haven’t had many regrets about the belongings I gave away, threw away and sold, which is good, because when I mourn, I mourn long and hard.
But, as I wrapped presents for my dog, Maggie Mae, Ms. Skeeter’s absence was loud and my heart was aching with missing her.
She was a feisty little lady, and as she grew older, a biter. She would bite me savagely for cutting her nails, she’d attack anyone who touched shoes (so we had to hide all the shoes) and sometimes, she’d bite me and Maggie Mae for no reason at all.
Between her bites, we all enjoyed playing and running, toys, hugs, and kisses.
She slept beside my computer when I wrote, and when she wanted a break, she’d lay on the computer. She was by my side for twelve years, whether I wrote, walked, cleaned the house, sat outside or slept. She loved to hold the remote and she always kept one paw on something of mine. Lord help me if I wanted it back.
I miss you, baby girl. I know you’re playing with the other dogs in Heaven; but I wish you were still here with me.

Goodbye For Now Ms. Skeeter (Kita) March 26