From My Journal
I want to be done with this damn, “Women Who Think Too Much” book, but it seems that I have opened Pandora’s Box and my chaotic emotions are pouring forth freely.
Each day, I discover another small truth buried beneath the rubble of my shattered mind, thoughts soaking wet from my soul bleeding all over the tiny, baby truths.
I don’t see the end of this process, but I do see a moment where I lose my way, jump off a bridge or burn this manuscript.
God, I am praying that You will reveal my purpose to me. I have begged You incessantly over the last few years, as you know. As an alternative to jumping off a bridge, which is actually my #1 plan, I am forcing myself to keep editing this book while I wait to hear from You.
I don’t want to die until I finish this book anyway, because I promised my mom, Grace, that I would finish it and that I would publish this “essay.”
BTW, how is she doing up there? She spends so much time down here with me, especially as I am writing. I hope You don’t mind.
Oops! I’m such a ninny. You sent her, didn’t You? Thank you.
Clap Your Hands If You Believe…
Today, I published my book, “Women Who Think Too Much” on Smashwords.com.
Today, I am a sober, healing, recovering, accepting, believing, codependent Child of the Universe and after twenty-four years of existing as a sober, hurting, resisting, rejecting, bitter, angry, hermit soul, I am loving it.
Finishing this book did that for me. I don’t know what it will do for you, my readers, but at the very least, I want my words to reach out to you, my legions of silent comrades who wear the same size slippers.
I hope to give you a sliver of light to shine on this distressed state of soul called codependency, a drip of faith, a drop of relief to prime the knowledge that you are not alone.
I see now that my goal to complete this damn WWTTM book has saved my life.
Thank you, God.
Sorry for nagging You, I just couldn’t hear You.
I thought You were ignoring me.
All of our years together; and still, I doubted You.
Thankfully, I have heard that Your patience is infinite.
I wonder just how close to the beyond infinity marker I crawled. Nope, don’t tell me.
I might still have some bridge-jumping fantasy kind of days to face, but somehow, I think those days are gone, because now I have a heart filled with glimmers of hope.
Yup, I’m a glimmer girl now.
I have finally accepted that I am what I am, as my mom loved to say.
I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing.
I accept that there will be no do-overs.
I accept that I cannot change the past.
I accept my losses.
As I set my book free, springing it from the closet in my mind where I have held it prisoner, isolated and trapped, I feel the flow of positive energy that the Universe has been saving for my coming out. All of my flowering trees and shrubs burst with colorful blooms today. Out of season. Yup. The Universe and my mom are smiling at me, blowing me kisses.
Am I ready to open my own creative, spiritual door and fly? Can I fly with wings that have been clipped by codependent relationships?
Bet your ass I can. I am flying right now.
I just let this book fly and I opened my own cage and walked out the door without fear, without shame.
That’s what finishing this book, this damn book, which I have struggled with since 1998, has taught me.
I just need to keep clapping my hands. I do believe, I do believe…
Buy Women Who Think Too Much in Print
12 thoughts on “Free Falling, Clap Your Hands if You Believe”
Ah I could have written this! I don’t want to die until I get my father’s story told! It has been a long process and even though the letters are all transcribed I still have a lot to do to be done. Then I wonder if by sharing my dad’s letter , some of his most intimate thoughts would he be ok with that? hummmmm that just might have been TMI hahaha Thanks for following my blog. I enjoy yours too!
Feel free to follow me?? =)
Thank you for sharing this. I will have a look on smashwords for it. I am in recovery too, and have been getting through it writing my poetry blog, its hard, painful, but so important to me. I really liked ‘Yup, I’m a glimmer girl now’ I want to be a glimmer girl too! Your writing is great!
Thank you! It is so hard to write our souls out, but so worth it! Keep in touch,
Hi again, I’ve been off on a tangent or two and somewhere along the road I have joined Kobo and purchased your book. It seemed taht I could have downloaded a PDF for free, what’s that all about? Ah, you are not Susan Nolen-Hoeksema and I guess that you have read her book by the same title(?) I shall, though I’m busy reading yours now 🙂 (Anything it seems rather than go through the laying out of my-self in writing my own..) There appear to be a lot of parentheses in life 😉
Why am I commenting now? What is it that I wish to say, to share? My thanks, for grabbing my interest, making me smile and cry. My wishes for your happiness and all of those that you, I and the whole we of the world my encounter.. All of that and always more..
Nope, not Susan. Don’t wait too long on your book. I wrote mine long before her book (I never read her’s) and I let it sit in my computer for 20 years. My original inspiration came from Robin Norwood, author of Women Who Love Too Much. No free PDF on my book, just a free sample. Thanks for buying and I hope you enjoy it. The real message is in Slips 12 and 13.
I really relate to this post and your story. Congratulations on publishing your book. I will definitely check it out! ♥♥
I love these phrases:
“thoughts soaking wet from my soul bleeding all over the tiny, baby truths.”
“As I set my book free, springing it from the closet in my mind where I have held it prisoner, isolated and trapped, I feel the flow of positive energy that the Universe has been saving for my coming out.”
Thank you. I love when a reader picks out an excerpt to show me, it is so exciting!