Head Banging

fallover

Tonight (Friday) I got out of bed to turn out the light and to put my book away. Well, I turned out the light, turned around and about three steps later, I tripped over the box that my Chihuahua, Ms. Kita, uses to get up on the bed. I dang near killed myself. I was air born for about three feet and then BOOM. I hit the wall hard, landed on my shoulder that has a replacement joint, slammed it hard enough to break the wall plate and leave the imprint of said plate on my shoulder. I hurt my arthritic knees and twisted my bad foot. (It really is a bad foot.) I saw stars when my head smacked the wall and I free floated out in space for about ten seconds. I don’t think I fully passed out, but I did see stars. When I could breathe again, I sat up. I’m not sure, but I think angels sat me up and shook me back together because I was shocked when I sat up and realized, I just might be okay. Did I mention that I saw stars? In addition, something strange happened when I hit the wall…I saw my life experiences flash by and I saw the end of this stage of existence for me. I remember thinking, wow; this is what death feels like. I even thought that I was glad that I had almost finished the book, “Proof of Heaven,” A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife, by Eben Alexander, M.D. because it had given me strong reinforcement on what I already believed. I heard my husband calling my name as he tried to help me but his voice sounded as if he was miles away. I held my sitting position until the room stopped spinning and then I stood up, slowly. I made it to the couch and he brought me two ice packs, one for my head and one for my shoulder. My shoulder was already bruised and throbbing. Of course, I would fall on that shoulder.

All that happened a few hours ago, so I’m sure I will be okay. I’ll probably get my shoulder and my head x-rayed tomorrow, if it seems like I should. I hate that box. It happened so fast and I tried to keep my balance, but I couldn’t. The accident really made me think about how life can change in a split second. Also triggered memories of my mom falling, breaking her neck and dying a week later.

Saturday. Okay, it’s the morning after. I feel all right, very sore shoulder and a nice pounding headache to go with the nice lavender bruise on my cheekbone. Can you break an ear? Well, if you can, I did.

It could have been so much worse. The fall was bad enough that from today on (Sunday) I am going to accept each day as a bonus from Heaven.

I survived the weekend, painfully and carefully, but when I saw my doctor for a regular appointment today (Tuesday) she sent me to get a CAT scan of my brain and an x-ray of my shoulder. Every medical person who I dealt with today was upset that I wasn’t checked the night I fell. I really don’t understand why I didn’t go get checked out either. I knew I hit hard when I fell and I thought about going to the 24-hour walk-in clinic, but I decided I was too tired and I think the bang to the head disoriented me. Anyway, tests turned out okay, no broken bones or compromised skull, no brain bleeding, just a slight concussion, which I already knew.

However, I was traumatized twice, because when I checked in to Radiology for the CAT scan, I was told I had to pay a $275.00 co-pay to get my head examined. First time this has happened to me, thank you Obama Care. I now officially pay 50% more for 50% less insurance. If the headaches aren’t gone by next Tuesday, I may have to see a neurologist. If the doctor orders an MRI, looks like we’ll be mortgaging the house.

by Jeanne Marie

Free Falling, Clap Your Hands if You Believe

smashwordscover
From My Journal
Free Falling
1-16-2013
I want to be done with this damn, “Women Who Think Too Much” book, but it seems that I have opened Pandora’s Box and my chaotic emotions are pouring forth freely.
Each day, I discover another small truth buried beneath the rubble of my shattered mind, thoughts soaking wet from my soul bleeding all over the tiny, baby truths.
I don’t see the end of this process, but I do see a moment where I lose my way, jump off a bridge or burn this manuscript.
God, I am praying that You will reveal my purpose to me. I have begged You incessantly over the last few years, as you know. As an alternative to jumping off a bridge, which is actually my #1 plan, I am forcing myself to keep editing this book while I wait to hear from You.
I don’t want to die until I finish this book anyway, because I promised my mom, Grace, that I would finish it and that I would publish this “essay.”
BTW, how is she doing up there? She spends so much time down here with me, especially as I am writing. I hope You don’t mind.
Oops! I’m such a ninny. You sent her, didn’t You? Thank you.

Clap Your Hands If You Believe…
2-21-2013
Today, I published my book, “Women Who Think Too Much” on Smashwords.com.
Today, I am a sober, healing, recovering, accepting, believing, codependent Child of the Universe and after twenty-four years of existing as a sober, hurting, resisting, rejecting, bitter, angry, hermit soul, I am loving it.
Finishing this book did that for me. I don’t know what it will do for you, my readers, but at the very least, I want my words to reach out to you, my legions of silent comrades who wear the same size slippers.
I hope to give you a sliver of light to shine on this distressed state of soul called codependency, a drip of faith, a drop of relief to prime the knowledge that you are not alone.
I see now that my goal to complete this damn WWTTM book has saved my life.
Thank you, God.
Sorry for nagging You, I just couldn’t hear You.
I thought You were ignoring me.
All of our years together; and still, I doubted You.
Thankfully, I have heard that Your patience is infinite.
I wonder just how close to the beyond infinity marker I crawled. Nope, don’t tell me.
I might still have some bridge-jumping fantasy kind of days to face, but somehow, I think those days are gone, because now I have a heart filled with glimmers of hope.
Yup, I’m a glimmer girl now.
I have finally accepted that I am what I am, as my mom loved to say.
I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing.
I accept that there will be no do-overs.
I accept that I cannot change the past.
I accept my losses.
As I set my book free, springing it from the closet in my mind where I have held it prisoner, isolated and trapped, I feel the flow of positive energy that the Universe has been saving for my coming out. All of my flowering trees and shrubs burst with colorful blooms today. Out of season. Yup. The Universe and my mom are smiling at me, blowing me kisses.
Am I ready to open my own creative, spiritual door and fly? Can I fly with wings that have been clipped by codependent relationships?
Bet your ass I can. I am flying right now.
I just let this book fly and I opened my own cage and walked out the door without fear, without shame.
That’s what finishing this book, this damn book, which I have struggled with since 1998, has taught me.
I just need to keep clapping my hands. I do believe, I do believe…

Buy Women Who Think Too Much in Print

Buy Women Who Think Too Much in Digital