Up To My Heart In Mud

I would live without you if only I could…
Wanting you, needing you, I hate it all.
Tears fall each night
Sometimes they fall
all frigging day too.
I walk the floors
I climb the walls
I turn it off, I turn it on
Who I am depends on you.
Spinning in circles like wet lettuce
shedding its water
I try to shed my love for you.
I don’t love you
I don’t love you
But, oh God help me, God help me
Because I do…I do, I do love you..
Should love make me bleed?
Should love leave me
Hungry for your touch
Empty with a desperate need?
Now I know my long saved passion
Has simply gone to waste,
Thirty-odd years of being loved
Loved just enough so that
I didn’t pack that old suitcase.
Loved you for so long as
Every night you turned away
With one excuse or another
They all sounded the same.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Down to a choice…nothing or pain
Your words turn me inside out
And I go blank…shut down
I have no words to say.
I am no longer in the game.
You ask what about all the years
That we have been side by side
And I ask what about today.
What about me?
How long can my hurt hide?
Dreams of running, death and blood
Is this love or is it quicksand?
All I know for sure is that
I’m up to my heart in mud.

10 thoughts on “Up To My Heart In Mud”

  1. WoW!! So stunningly Awesome! Such a heartfelt and poignant post about dealing with the truth about a relationship and letting go!! Bellissimo, My Dear, Bellissimo!! I’m assuming this is autobiographical??? So sorry if that is true!!
    Here are some of my works on that topic you may find meaningful??

    Not Alone, But Lonely
    She Hopes For More
    Don’t Look Back
    You Say That You Love Me
    Silent In The Soul

    Would love to know what you think. chucklindholm@hotmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Your critiques spoil me…thank you. Through 38 years of codependent marriage and fighting to rise above, while holding on, loving and letting go, all at the same time, yes. It all spills out, truth.
      Are these poems you listed on your blog?
      I enjoy your writing and your blog, you find awesome writers to feature. Thank you for your praise, JM


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