Like a shamed puppy
I crawl into bed
when he is sound asleep,
hoping for a covert cuddle
from my owner’s hand.
Longing to feel his fingers
run through my messy hair.
Timid, I snuggle and wiggle
under the soft, heavy quilt
until I am against his warm body.
A body I once knew as well as my own.
Stupid. Hoping that even in his sleep
he’ll notice that I’m there.
Beside him, seeking comfort
from a closed, cold heart,
aching to be wanted.
Desperate, aching for intimacy
he cannot give, hoping,
despite hopes shattered in the past
wanting him to love me
the way that he once did,
more than I want air to breathe
more than I want food,
clothes or a roof over my head.
As tears soak my pillow
I remember why
I moved into the bedroom down the hall,
a million miles away, moving away
from the nightly reminder…
He doesn’t want me and
though he says he loves me and he
protects me, tries to take care of me,
even in his sleep he pushes me away.
He used to draw me closer
and wrap his body around mine
even as he slept, he wanted me close.
So here in this home, I stay where I belong
just a shamed puppy who has done no wrong.
The passion is gone and it will never return
That much I guarantee, of this I’m sure
that in this house the fire will not burn.
Jeanne Marie, 2016