Shamed Puppy

 

Like a shamed puppy

I crawl into bed

when he is sound asleep,

hoping for a covert cuddle

from my owner’s hand.

Longing to feel his fingers

run through my messy hair.

Timid, I snuggle and wiggle

under the soft, heavy quilt

until I am against his warm body.

A body I once knew as well as my own.

Stupid. Hoping that even in his sleep

he’ll notice that I’m there.

Beside him, seeking comfort

from a closed, cold heart,

aching to be wanted.

Something?

Anything?

Desperate, aching for intimacy

he cannot give, hoping,

despite hopes shattered in the past

wanting him to love me

the way that he once did,

more than I want air to breathe

more than I want food,

clothes or a roof over my head.

As tears soak my pillow

I remember why

I moved into the bedroom down the hall,

a million miles away, moving away

from the nightly reminder…

He doesn’t want me and

though he says he loves me and he

protects me, tries to take care of me,

even in his sleep he pushes me away.

He used to draw me closer

and wrap his body around mine

even as he slept, he wanted me close.

So here in this home, I stay where I belong

just a shamed puppy who has done no wrong.

The passion is gone and it will never return

That much I guarantee, of this I’m sure

that in this house the fire will not burn.

Jeanne Marie, 2015