Posted in Notes TO Women Who Think Too Much

This is…

This is gas lighting
When you finally leave someone for the seventh time and they say they’re sorry, it’s all their fault and you already knew it, but they kept telling you for years it was your fault and you were a bitch and you treated them rotten.
It was all a lie and you knew it, but sometimes you got confused and thought maybe you were a bitch and maybe you did treat them bad, even though you rubbed their head and their shoulders while you watched TV together and you fell asleep every night with your hands wrapped in their curls with your face buried in their neck.
You did everything they wanted and they still weren’t loving, they never touched you, never loved you and took away affection as a punishment, but they bought you everything, and said you should be grateful because you had everything, but you didn’t want everything.
You just wanted them to love you and you went back to them back over and over, and you tried to be better.
This is codependency
You know you want to keep it together when you take him back six times and you go back and you hope and you pray and it is good for a little bit and then it slips away back into the pooper and it takes years to leave again because it’s so hard to leave, but you do it over and over.
He’s the one who breaks you and he’s the one you run to, he’s the one you ask to mend your broken heart by loving you, even though he’s the one that cut you to shreds.
This is recovery 
When the day comes that you don’t care that he says it’s his fault and you know it was his fault, he doesn’t have to tell you, you already know it in your heart and nothing he says is gonna change your mind.
When you’re done, done, done trying to believe in him anymore and you want your mind back and you want your life back. When you throw him out and he goes because he knows you always take him back, but you’re not gonna, not this time, and he calls everyday to make sure you’re okay, but he doesn’t want to talk about anything you’ve been through except when he calls you and he talks at length about how he knows it’s all his fault and he reminds you that he’s devastated by the way he hurt you and he triggers your heartache that you had just put aside because this happens every time and then you stop taking his calls.
Then, he texts and asks, are you okay? You text back, yes, thank you.
You don’t talk about your feelings with him, you don’t talk about how devastated, destroyed and broken you feel or how happy and relieved you are that it’s over, and you start to take back your mind and your heart and your soul and you’re surprised that they are still there, surprised that you can breathe without him.
You are surprised that the air is lighter and the sky is bluer and the rain is sweeter.
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