What is my definition of feminine codependency?
Codependent is what women become when we take care of everyone but ourselves.
We allow our men to tell us who we are, what we are and how we feel.
We dump our individuality and we cease to exist beyond what we mean to him.
We put our lives on hold while we wait for him to be happy, so we can be happy.
We don’t ask for what we need.
We simply hope that our man knows what we need and when it appears that a man we love delivers what we need and he knows what is best for us, we grab on to the life preserver his outstretched hands offer, and we never, ever let go.
When the life preserver turns into an anchor that is pulling us under, we blame ourselves and we become emotional contortionists, twisting and turning ourselves inside out to regain the initial security of being loved, soul starving for the emotional warmth of being wanted, hungry for his heat, aching for the fire we filled our emptiness with when the relationship began.
We wait and we wait for the fire’s return. We have become so accustomed to not having our needs fulfilled that living in a state of icy despair, wandering about our lives with piercing pain, leaking perpetual tears and wrestling mind-numbing confusion, well it’s comfortable, familiar. Normal.
The tease of love we got from him in the beginning is enough to keep us hoping, holding on forever.
We attempt to hold other people up, especially our children, even when they don’t want our help, even when they run away from us to avoid our help. Guilt is our blanket and tears are our face cream.
We don’t have healthy emotional boundaries and we have ambiguous social skills. Helpless in the midst of abuse as children, we tend to overcompensate as adults by trying to control our little-girl fears and recoup our losses through controlling our environment and managing our loved ones.
We try to do our childhood over and make it come out right this time, but since we gravitate toward people similar to our childhood role models, we set ourselves up for treacherous relationships, intense emotional pain and self-destructive lifestyles.